Missing Pastor's Wife Found Alive Living New Life
Posted: Monday, July 30, 2007
by Laura Trahan
The wife of an Alabama minister has been found after four months of search by family and police. Louisiana police found Mary Byrne Smith, wife of Rev. Jason Smith of the First Baptist Church in Summerdale, Ala., and mother of two children, unharmed and working under an alias in New York.
For those unfamiliar with the story, Smith had gone missing in April while attending a conference featuring women's Bible study leader Beth Moore. She had driven down to the conference with a girlfriend and went missing the second day. It was always thought that she left on her own volition, but police still did an extensive search for Smith.
Smith will not face any charges because running away and creating a new life is not a crime. Police have urged her to call her husband and kids, but at this time she does not want to go back to her original life as a pastor's wife.
So how did she get to that point? Well, apparently she has had some drug issues and was dismissed as a teacher when a drug test came back as positive. Is that enough to make a person throw away their whole life?
I look at her picture from before she came up missing. She looked full of life. A little tired, but full of life. I look at the surveillance camera pictures of her in New York and she looks worn down barely making it. So why would she not want to go back?
I think this is a serious issue for the church that needs to begin to be addressed. We have heard countless stories this year of pastors' wives struggling and acting out in one way another. Why is it getting to this point? Are we that insensitive or uncaring to ignore the needs of our own pastors' wives?
Pastors' wives probably have a harder job than the pastor of a church. They have these high expectations set upon them. For many, it is a position that was not asked for but rather given to because they fell in love. They live very isolated lives because they are unable to get involved in the church because they, for the most part, are either shunned by the other women in the church or are expected to create this persona of more than human.
Add to that husbands who work non-stop, leaving them at home alone often to raise many kids. Then you have the pressure of not being able to go out if you live in a small town without being under strict scrutiny of those in the community.
Plus, there is the travel and constant uprooting of pastors as they move from church to church making it difficult to acclimate to the communities. Pastors are continually traveling leaving the wife alone as they travel to do mission trips, conferences, teaching, etc. They usually suffer from high debt since pay is not always the best.
So I don't know Smith or her situation and I can certainly not justify running out on your children or family. I will say I can see this as a plea for some relief or attention. She probably got in a spot where she felt she had no one to turn to and no one who would understand what she was feeling. After all, she was the pastor's wife.
For those who do attend a church, I am asking you to cut the wives some slack. Show them support. Offer assistance in any way. Just send them a note of thanks. Invite them to your gatherings. Do not judge. Realize that they are humans and have feelings and put yourself in their place. Give some space and some respect.
My prayers and heart goes out to this family that they can get the help and healing that they need during this time.
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Top-level comments on this article: (9 total)Your question speaks a lot to the church and I don't mean any specific church.It speaks to character and morality. In fact it speaks to the core of relationships in a materialistic society which demands personal satisfaction and gratification now at any expense. For a mother to foresake her own children says a lot. Does it speak to the biblical aspects of having no natural affection or does it speak to deeper phycological conditions? Surely if this problem resides in the bastions of what society considers a foundation piece how much deeper is it elsewhere? Pastors abusing children, pastors wives killing their husband, some, like her, running away. How deep does the problem really go? Good article and very thought inspiring.Thanks for your comment. I am not sure how to answer the questions you raise.
Laura, Many clergy and their wives feel that they are unable to live authentically. They do alot of faking to please others because of the expectations that a congregation may place upon them. Many times, clergy also set themselves up by putting themselves on a pedestal and preaching one story while living another at home. There is a need for many clergy and their wives to get counseling from those therapists who are understanding and spiritually-oriented. Thanks for your article. Nicely done.Thanks for the comment! I agree that they find it difficult to be real with so many pressures placed on them by their congregations. . .I appreciate the compliment!
Excellent writing and points well made. Rev M BrescianiThanks for the compliments! I appreciate the comment!
Thank you for your realization that Pastor's Wives need to be cut some slack. I am a Pastor's Wife and like most Pastor's Wives I "CHOSE" to go into ministry. It isn't forced on you in most cases. I serve God with joy but let me tell you there is a mentality out there where people love the Pastor but hate the Pastor's Wife. There isn't a whole lot that we can do right. I am simply real with people and honest. I think that for years Pastors and their families were told they couldn't be real. It isn't themselves that set that trap it is the people in the congregation that put him there. I can't imagine the hurt that this Pastor's Wife could be going through. Trust me, just recently I have been the subject of many many petty complaints (not my husband) and it is made so personal but yet they expect the Pastor to be there when they need to be ministered to. It is possible though for a PW to feel as if she has failed her husband because so many in the church have condemned every move she makes as a mother, wife, and serving in the church. They are probably even judging her even now. Again, the attacks become so personal and painful. Please cut us some slack. We just want to serve not be ripped to shreds. Article was nicely done.Shawna, Thanks so much for your point of view! I can't honestly imagine what you go through as a pastor's wife. I do know from my own experiences that people can be hard on the wife and I can see how isolated a pastor's wife can be. I think I missed represented the ministry aspect. I just meant that some times the pastor's wives that I have known don't enjoy being the center of attention. I have to apologize as a Christian for the petty complaints that you have to live with. It is disgraceful to me that people have to be so hard on pastor's wives. Thanks so much for sharing and commenting! It adds so much to get first hand knowledge! Praying that those complaining get a clue!
Thank you Laura!! I too am a pastor's wife. I can understand what Smith may have felt when she ran out, but I do not condone her behavior. I was chosen as a pastor's wife and my husband has too put up with my disability, therefore I think it is only fair for me to support him to the best of my ability. Living the dsyfunctional upbringing I did on the other hand taught me some good things and some not so good things. However, I choose to stay clean and sober, trust in God and not abandon my husband or children.Yea Michelle! Thanks so much for your comment! I just wanted to people to realize that pastors wives are real people too! Glad you left the comment!
I, too, am a pastor's wife, and have considered many, many times doing exactly what Mary Smith did. My husband is a wonderful man and loves our children dearly. He is a fabulous father and a very good husband. But sometimes the loneliness of a pastor's wife, as well as the constant criticism, probing questions that really are nobody's business and super-human expectations really does do something to your mental state. My husband has not been a job/church hopper and in his 25 year career has stayed long term at just a couple churches. We recently moved to a new town and thought it was a good move for our family and our children -- yet, the youth in the church we are currently in are meaner than rattlesnakes. With the exception of just a couple people, they have made no effort to include our children in their activities and have even gone out of their way to exclude them and/or frighten them about the community and schools in town. We have heard so many times from the adults in the church how they are so thankful that God has brought them a new pastor and that he is just perfect for the church. I guess they just didn't let their children in on that sentiment. I will never understand why people that say they love Christ, clearly hate other Christians. It is so true that we are the only ones that shoot our wounded. Did Jesus not say, "he who is without sin cast the first stone?" We all have difficult times in our lives and why people expect the pastor and his family to HAVE difficult times but smile and act as if they are not, is preposterous. I have often said that if anything ever happens to my husband I will never step foot in a church again. Perhaps Mary felt the same way. Maybe she needed a new start (and I can bet she isn't involved in a church either). I have no doubt that she is missing her children terribly, and do not for one second think she is a bad mother or abandoned her kids. What I am guessing is that she felt the GREATEST gift she could give her children was to leave and allow them to lead a "normal" life without having a mama that was depressed or crying all the time. Just remember, if you are currently in a church, don't just love your pastor, love his family. Some times it is easy to love him because he is serving you. But, take time to remember who is serving him.My prayers are with you! Your description has left me feeling sad and speechless. I know it is true, but it doesn't take away the hurt in knowing that people are that careless. My thoughts are with you and I pray things get better for you and your kids. I apologize as a Christian for their actions! Thanks so much for sharing with us!
So, I know I am really late in adding this but I just found this article. I remember hearing about this missing pastor's wife and was concerned for her because I am also a pastor's wife. Then I had quite an eventful rest of the year and lost track of what happened to her. Am glad to know that she is alive. And understand totally the need to get away and want to start a new life. Thank you for your words. Churches are very hard on pastor's wives. As long as the wife has the support of the husband, she can hang in there but the husband have to realize that he is needed at home also. I am very lucky that my husband, although he works too much and now I have too much time on my hands and surf the net, is a great man that I love dearly. thanks again.Thanks anonymous for sharing and commenting! I am glad your husband is supportive! Have a great week!
Yes this article was helpful in the fact of knowing there are others like me who suffer as a pastor's wife. I understand Mary, sometimes I wish I could take a bus and leave the problems of the ministry behind and live my own life the way I want...to be free of the expectations and scrutiny. I envy those who have a "normal" life.
Like many pastors this husband was probably very surprised that she chose to leave his "perfect family" for a life of struggling on her own. As a pastor's wife who is considering leaving and never returning, the man took her for granted, ignored her, dismissed her, relegated her to servant and his personal slave, and generally was a selfish jerk to her while professing the way to have a happy marriage from the pulpit.
Men like this revel in the glory from thier parishoners and are really just fame whores who do not have any consideration for the burdens they have allowed to be placed on their wives.
signed "Waiting for the perfect time to leave and never come back"
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