The Delusion Of A Stay At Home Mom
Posted: Sunday, April 13, 2008
by Laura Trahan
As women, we tend to get these images in our heads as to what life will be like or should be like when we reach our dreams. We do in our marriage, we do it with our children, we do with our bodies and we do it with our life. Most times we have this elaborate fantasy that just isn't possible. So is the case with the stay at home syndrome, as I like to call it.
Yes, it is true. I set myself up for some major delusional failures. I realized recently that many women have these thoughts about staying at home. What is worse is that many women who do work look down on women who do stay at home because they assume these same fantasies.
The truth is stay at home moms' days are nothing like this. Depending on their child's ages, it can be one of the most stressful, demanding, mind-numbing lives. There are several days that you literally feel like your whole day is a failure. You wake up with an agenda of activities, chores and the like. At the end of most days, it is a miracle if you were able to scratch off one duty.
Last week alone seemed to be a failure on top of failures. I spend two hours arguing with a three year old trying to convince her that a nap is what she needed. It went something like this:
"Hannah, naptime!", I yell.
"I don wan to na," she screams in this cross between a exorcist episode and a cat being ran over.
"It is important to take a nap so that you feel good," I reply.
"No! I don wan to," she is screaming and crying at the same time.
"Hannah, you need to stay in your bed even if you don't sleep. You need to rest." I am now screaming back at her.
This is followed by a good twenty minutes of crying at the top of her lungs.
"Mom, the reason why I am not going to sleep is because I need a drink of water!"
"Hannah, get your water off of your shelf," I yell back.
Ten minutes later I hear her screaming and crying more.
"I spild all over my bed," she is crying.
She did. She had taken the whole cup and poured it out on her bed and her clothes. I pulled out her sleeping bag for her to lay in during nap. Changed her clothes and tried to lay her down again. Over two hours later, we have a girl that is exhausted and still has not taken a nap. I pick her up and run to go get my son at school.
The point is I spent endless time not getting any of the work done that I needed to finish and felt like a failure because she never did nap.
In the meantime, I pick up my son and try to run to the store to buy the groceries for the week. Ever try shopping with a whiny, tired girl? An hour and a half later, an icee and numerous samples, I am exiting the store.
The whole day is gone and I have nothing to show for it. This is a common occurrence for stay at home moms. We work endlessly trying to just have one accomplishment by the end of the day.
Why do it, you ask? Because despite the fantasies that we have in our head that are never accomplished, just that extra few minutes with my daughter in my arms is so worth it. Or that time right after school before my son is distracted with homework and activities, I feel honored to hear every detail about his day in the first grade.
So as I sit in a living room with a couch filled with laundry, dirty dishes left in the sink and not a clue as to what to cook for dinner, nothing could feel more right that sitting and reading a book to my kids among the chaotic world of our lives. And nothing feels more right than failing at being a stay at home mom.
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Laura, so many memories your article brought back to mind. I had one like your Hannah and many days were a struggle. My older daughter was obedient and easygoing, wanting to please. Nap times and bed times were peaceful. With my second, life changed. What I thought were wonderful parenting techniques totally bombed with this little one. Nap times were a struggle and I usually spent a good 1/2 hour laying by her so she would go to sleep. The doctor's office - oh my! If it were not for the "I Spy" game it would have been torture. But, she was my snuggler, the one who fussed for independance, but never really wanted it. She is still a snuggler as an adult and loves to be in close proximity to those she loves. I agree with you totally. Being home with your kids is worth it. While I worked part-time most of my kids' growing up years, I still was blessed to have much time with them. Thanks for the stroll down memory lane. They grow up faster than you can imagine.LM-Thanks so much for the comment and encouragement!! Hannah is a snuggler when it suits her, but fights for independence continually. It is such opposite, but she does it! Our two sound like they have a lot in common! thanks for the I Spy tip, I will have to remember it! Thanks again-Laura
As a stay at home Dad for six years, I know what you're going through. Many people, especially other guys, thought I could just sit around watching ESPN and drinking beer all day! Nothing could be further from the truth! It often seemed I would work my butt off all day and nothing would get done. However, I agree with you that in the end it was well worth it. Great article, Laura.OH James! I think it is harder for stay at home dads! At least as a mom, we get support from other stay at home moms! I feel for you! I have a friend who is a stay at home dad and he has shared before that the moms in the playgroups treat him funny. Isn't it funny how much more you can be judged? Anyhow, thanks for sharing your view and commenting!-Laura
Hi Laura, It might be a delusion, but you are right, what a gift you have to be able to be home with your kids. When I was home, it was amazing! Working away from home is the breeze :-) Thanks for the memories and enjoy your time, they do grow up fast and then the go to Hawaii and forget to tell you the right day to be picked up from the airport. :-) (Not that I still harbor any ill fillings regarding this.) Blessings to you!! Thanks for a great article.Teresa-You made me laugh out loud!!!! Thanks so much for commenting! At least she is safely at home now, right? What more could you ask for :) Thanks for sharing your great sense of humor and for the compliment! -Laura
Hi Laura, geeze, I guess I was in a hurry, could I have spelled anymore words incorrectly? HA! Yes, she is home, but not for long. :( She is moving to Caliornia in August. I know it is God's will, but certainly not mine!! It's only a 16 hour drive and she will be near both sets of Grandparents and several Aunts and cousins, but it is still hard. Sigh. Glad you got a good laugh. I suppose I should be glad, the Lord is giving me lots of new material for Retreats. Pray for me as I will be speaking at a Mother-daughter tea on May 10th. I will be sharing on my relationship with my daughter. They want it to be light-hearted, so I need to be focused. Thanks in advance! TeresaTeresa-I will pray for you and for focus! What an honor! I couldn't think of anyone better for the task, though!!!I can't imagine having to be that far from my kids, but then I was one of those kids too that moved away! I will pray for peace for you and safety for her! Have a great week!-Laura
hi laura, this was a well written, funny, and oh so true article, that all stay at mom's can relate to. no one thinks we do anything, as i had 3 kids by myself, and 2 hands. thanks for a great article for us stay at home moms, best regards, sueAs always Sue, thanks for your kind comments!!
Hi Laura, thanks so much, I knew I could count on you. :-) I am sending out brochures for the ministry next week. If you would like, send me the name and address of the church you attend and I will send one to the womens ministry coordinator. Who knows? Maybe we could meet someday! Lord bless you this week and always. Teresa
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