How To Fit In With The “In” Crowd
Posted: Monday, June 23, 2008
by Laura Trahan
Even adults struggle with fitting into groups. As an adult I still see daily the struggle individuals have to be in the “popular crowd." It is funny how we never seem to grow out of that awkward teenage stage.
At times, it is evident that we are doing whatever it takes to fit into an image of who we want to be in life or in our circles. I never really noticed this until today.
Because of circumstances, I am involved with some old friends this week. I had forgotten how insecurities can turn into emotional drama in a matter of seconds. When digging deeper into these issues, it became apparent that a lot of the drama is happening because of this need to fit in to a group.
As a society, we are lonely people. I think we spend so much time being busy that sometimes we forget the importance of relationships. We all want to be liked and this want can easily lead to actions that sometimes seem desperate and misguided.
In the past, I have found myself in these same situations. Caught up going along with the group, convinced that I needed to be overly dramatic about a cause just to fit in.
However, today, I had an life-changing realization. I am blessed to have some amazing women as friends in my life. I have learned a lot from them over the past year. But probably the most important thing I have learned is what true friendship is really all about. Here are a few qualities they have modeled to me and in turn taught me the most valuable lesson about “fitting in."
Be Authentic
I know we hear this terminology a lot. But what does it mean? I have an amazing friend that will just lay it all on the line and tell it like it is. That is what being real is. Everyone has struggles. When you try to be perfect or portray this perfect image, you come off as someone who can’t be trusted. I have more respect for the woman who has issues in their marriage or financial issues because I can relate to them in a closer, authentic way.
Stop Gossiping
If you can’t say something to the person’s face, don’t say it at all. I have struggled with this issue. I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself in the middle of a conversation agreeing with someone about someone else. I can say that there is nothing worse than the guilt afterwards for participating in one of these conversations. What I did learn over this past year is that if they talk that way with you, they talk that way about you as well.
You Will Have Confrontations
It is human nature to disagree. We are all made different. We have different opinions and thoughts. The key when you disagree is not to go talk about the person behind their back. The key is to go to the source. We are not in high school anymore despite how we feel. It is important the face the individual head on and not let ill feelings fester inside. I used to run from confrontations. Still to this day, my first instinct is to run. But once I do confront the issues, I can’t tell you how many times God has worked through the situation.
Be Honest With Your Self
I think so many times it is easier for us to point the blame to someone else. If there is an issue that you have caused or witnessed, don’t blame another person. Be honest with your role in the situation. It is more admirable to me when a girlfriend is brave enough to say, “I made a mistake." We are human and we do make mistakes. Unfortunately, the people we will hurt the most is the person we love. Ask forgiveness and learn from the mistake.
This article was supposed to be about fitting “in." I think if you are the type of person who is real, authentic and honest, fitting in will happen naturally. Look at yourself and see if you are being a good friend. If you are being good, naturally you will fit in. It is when you perform misguided actions that we end up becoming the outcast, most times by our own doing.
I am thankful for the great girlfriends I have been blessed to share my life. I am thankful for the wisdom. Everyone was to be liked, the key is just being yourself.
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Hi Laura, well put. I remember a time when I was in high school, there was a girl in my drama class who was one of the few Christians who set a good example for me--she once said to me that even though our lives were so different she admired the way that I could be honest and tell it like it is. She said don't ever change that part of you. I kept that advice, and though I had much to learn about tact, I found it worked best. It is easy to get caught up in the drama, but you are right, if we step back and be ourselves, pure and lasting friendships will develop. May we all remember this advice and apply it to our lives! TeresaTeresa-Thanks for the personal story! It is so true! Thanks for commenting!
hi laura, this was a well written article about an interesting topic. i have learned how to be myself, after many years of concentrating on being so, and i'd rather have friends who like me for who i am, than for where i live, who i live with, how much money i have, or what kind of a job i work at. i'm just me, there's no more to it. i don't like it when supposed friends tell you they tried to call you, and yet, they're not on your caller ID! i simply say, i got busy, or i forgot. thanks for sharing, best regards, sueThanks for commenting Sue! We need more friends like you in this world!-Laurai'm up for grabs :)Thanks for the smile!!! I would love it!
Hi Laura, you are very wise beyond your apparent years. I mean that sincerely. I am only just now learning the real truth of all that you have said. I would like to point out, though, that when a person follows your very good advice, sometimes the result will be to lose a friend. This is my struggle right now. Some people will not accept you honestly...they will want you to continue to be what they have always thought you were. Ultimately, I have found, you have to like yourself and just not worry if you "fit" with what someone else wants. Or maybe you actually already said that. I'm a little to close to this right now to be entirely coherent. Thank you for putting it all so plainly. It is a wonderful article that I hope thousands of people will read. DianneDianne-You are so right! It is sad, but very true that many times you will lose friends! I am sorry that this hit so close to home, I know it is hard to go through! Ultimately, like you said, a friend who accepts you honestly is a better friend than someone who can not! Thanks so much for commenting and sharing!
Sometimes it's better not to even try and fit in. I would say things like gossiping or avoiding confrontation is exactly the group mindset. By being able to be above that, you set yourself to a higher standard than that of the group, and this makes people attracted to your uniqueness.
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