A Lesson In Humility And Learning To Let Go
Posted: Wednesday, July 29, 2009
by Laura Trahan
God has a great sense of humor. If you don't believe that, spend a week with me and you will definitely be convinced.
As a parent, telling my child to do something 15 million times would make me go insane. Not God. He continually finds creative ways to teach me lessons over and over again. I just imagine Him sitting all on his throne looking down laughing at me saying, "here she goes again!" God has to have a sense of humor or I think he would have wiped me out years ago!
I first heard of this line months ago when my pastor's wife mentioned it in service. Several months later I awake with an epiphany. (see God laughing now) The brilliant conclusion is: I am that mini-God.
Money has always been an issue with me. I have obsessed over it since I was little. My mom worried about money and voiced those worries every single moment of the day.
I grew up in a trailer park. We were dirt poor the majority of the time. I bought my prom dress off of a discontinued rack and was the ONLY girl at prom in a long sleeve velvet dress at a spring prom. I even bought my wedding dress off the clearance rack.
None of these purchases were some brilliant way to save money. They were all we had at the time.
My parent worked hard to put my brother and I both through college. My mom would say daily that she wanted us to finish college so that we would have a better life and not have to worry about money.
As I became a parent, I was fixated on money. I wanted my kids to have everything I did not. I even had it in my head that we needed to tithe just for the sole reason that God would multiply our money and give it back to us.
Where money was concerned, I was the most selfish person in the world. It was comfort, security for me. If I had money, we were safe. Don't get me wrong, if people offered money to us, we would always turn them down. Pride went right along with that sin of greed.
Throughout the years, God has tried over and over to teach me that money does not equal security. It does not equal happiness. It is a fluid property, etc. It almost destroyed our marriage.
I refused to listen. Intellectually, I had no problem agreeing. Then as soon as the bank accounts were low or we were struggling, I turned in to a demon-spewing monster. Don't believe me? Ask my family.
I even had become one of the self-righteous Conservative Christians who believed any one could get a job and make money. Why should the government give handouts? These people should just get off their butts and work.
I know my mom was turning over in her grave. She worked over 20 years as a social worker making sure people had food and clothing. Somewhere between graduating college and moving to Texas, I forgot about real people and their real struggles. I have the most shame when I think about that.
God doesn't give up! One thing he has no problem doing is putting you in your place. So began my journey almost six months ago. My husband was laid off and money stopped flowing.
My fake security fell through the ground. I have tried to control everything. I have played the mini-God role well and with pride.
We should file for unemployment, I say. My husband worked for a church before so it wasn't an option. We should do this. We should do that. Give up on the business, it isn't consistent. Find a job. What are you doing wrong? Dress better! Be confident!
I was once again the demon-spewing monster. God being faithful was saying all along that He was in control. I kept ignoring. We did Bible study after Bible study. We need to pray more, I would say. Are you praying?
God continued to say, "I am in control!" I continued to pretend to be in control.
This morning though God had enough. During my morning reading, I decided to just open my Bible and read where I landed.
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. He said:
Who is this that darkens my counsel
With words without knowledge?
Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you
And you shall answer me.
Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me if you understand.
Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?"
I like to say that was the end, but God goes on for four more chapters Job 38-41 to ask who questions his power. Boy, does he have evidence of his power.
I sit this morning asking forgiveness from a grace filled God. I realize I am not in control of anything. Sometimes, God has to take away what we value most to get our attention.
The truth is that I am glad He did. As hard and depressing as it has been these last few months doing without, I am thankful. I sit in awe that I had been that judgmental and prideful. But most of all I am embarrassed of who I became.
The humor in all this is that God showed me that passage two weeks ago in church. I guess I was too busy looking around wondering who would still be our friends if they knew all we were going through! Guess I should have been focusing on God!
I give up, God! You Win! You are in control of my life! It is time I quit thinking I am in control!
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Geeze girl, this is some ephany! Thank you for being vulnerable, real, and encouraging. God's lessons are all about love, not punishment. I know this will encourage the many Christians who are doing the same - I think we all play mini-god in one form or another, if not, there would be no such thing as a trial. Even the Apostle Paul had to have his thorn in the side, to keep him humble. BUt the beauty is we can look and see what Paul accomplished in humility - hang on girl, you are in for some amazing accomplishments! this piece is just the first. Way to tell it like it is. Love you lots!!!! TThanks T for always encouraging! I do not know what I would do without you making me laugh even if it is just giving me the visual of rob dancing for money with glitter in his go-tee. . .very funny stuff!! Thanks so much for your support and Christian love!!ha! It's my pleasure - but don't forget the toe-jams, scrambled eggs, and toast!hA! LOL! again TMI!
Excellent article, Laura. I did the same today...opened my Bible to Psalms...but with no place in mind so read the first part I opened to. It happened to be Ps 62:11-12. My paraphrase...One thing God said, two things I heard, God is God and he loves me. Pretty cool stuff and exactly what I needed to read. Thanks for being willing to share.Lorrie-what an awesome truth! and yes, it is funny that it goes right along with the word he gave me today! thanks for sharing it with me!
Laura, one reminder (there are many) posted before me says this: "Look on fear, not as a weakness, but a real temptation to be attacked and overthrown." The adversary knew about your fear and messed with your mind. God knows your heart and loves you and continued to guide you. I'm thankful you let go! Look at who was actually overthrown! I rejoice and do a victory dance with you! *Nah nah nahhh-nah, hey, hey, hey, good-bye!* LOL
A beautiful testimony to share. Thank you. You got the power!
Hugs,
AvisAvis-I would love to be with you dancing in person!! Thanks for the sweet reminder and encouragement! Love ya lots!
hi laurie,sometimes it clears the air, telling on ourselves!absolves us so we can move on in a positive direction.stress is a difficult thing to handle.God's shoulder is always a good place to put our heads,the best to you in the months ahead,sueThanks Sue! I do feel better now that I got it out! Thanks for your neverending support and encouragement!!
The story of Job had caused me many hours of contemplation. Why would God allow this to happen?Then one day I was doing some carpentry work and I needed to smooth out a piece I had cut. It seemed to take forever, and I had to use some really rough sandpaper. When it was silky smooth I was running my hand over it while my mind went over the entire process, from rough board, cut to size, trimmed to fit, then sanded to perfection.That was my epiphany!Thank you so much for sharing. What an inspiration!Ken-what an amazing analogy!! I love it and it really makes my day! I guess I must really be rough though! ")
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