The Perfectionism Trap of Being A Stay At Home Mom
Posted: Tuesday, September 15, 2009
by Laura Trahan
We all do it. Our friend announces that their newborn is crawling, walking, using the potty, etc. We put on the best smile and offer congratulations then walk away with our head down.
We then spend the next few days trying to coerce our child to crawl, walk etc. We offer clapping and praises when they make progress. Then the next time a friend offers her child's accomplishment, we are one step ahead.
So starts the cycle again.
As a mom, it is so easy to fall into the trap of maintaining an image of perfection. We want the perfect husband, the perfect kids, the perfect house, the perfect life, and the list goes on and on.
As girls, we most likely fantasized of this life setting us up for bigger disappointment. Being a stay at home mom or even a working mom is not the perfect life. Life is messy and trying to pretend that it is not is more damaging.
Money is usually tight, you deal with kids all day meaning you are taking care of the little ones at their worse and best, you have never experienced such exhaustion, you are juggling fifty different plates at any moment depending on your focus, and yet there is even more stress.
In the beginning, I remember just longing for a shower. You wake up early. You clean, work, care, teach, cook all day and still hope to find time to exercise so you look good for your husband.
Add to that the pressure of maintaining a perfectionistic image and you are doomed for failure. What is worse is that you may be setting your kids up for that same type of failure.
As a mom, I never understood where my son got his perfectionistic tendencies. I would stay up crying at nights as I had finished watching him do the same homework for the third time because the first two were not perfect. All the while crying because it had to be perfect for the "new" teacher.
Or I would be crying over the fact that in the soccer game, he sat on the sideline upset because he felt that he just did not get it "perfect."
Then I checked out a book that is transforming my life. Where does he get it from? He gets it from me! All these years of trying to portray the image and actually be the mom who has it all together has taught him that he needs to have it all together too.
In the book "Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good? by Miriam Adderholdt and Jan Goldberg" it is shown that perfectionism begins in childhood.
"Some experts believe that perfectionism develops during childhood. Family pressure, and unrealistic role models combine in a Big Push that propels some people into a lifetime of worrying, feeling guilty and working too hard. They come to believe that unless they are perfect, they are unworthy of love and respect."
It goes on to address each area. One such area is the rewarding and doting on the first born every time he/she accomplishes something great. It also talks about those parents who push their kids too hard as well as the pressure the media puts on making promises that you can have the "perfect" life if you work hard enough.
I don't know about you, but this has been a wake up call. Instead of killing myself to meet their every need, clean the house, take care of myself and be the perfect wife, I think it is time to learn to relax. I never want my kids to think that their love is in any way connected with what they achieve.
So what if those toys stay on the floor the entire day? So what if there are dirty dishes in the sink?
I am not perfect and if that is the only lesson my kids learn, it is so worth it. Furthermore, it is time my kids realize they do not have to be perfect either!
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Good article!A friend once told me I was a perfectionist. I said NO WAY. She asked "do you think about cleaning the house and want to take all the stuff out of all the drawers and put it into little box tops and get it totally organized from inside out - then think it is too big of a task and give up?"Oh, how did she know? She said that indicated I was a perfectionist. Not sure but now I do one drawer at a time and do it that way and give myself a break until the next drawer.MarijoMarijo-that is a perfectionist! Often times, I am finding out they will not take risks at all because of the fears of failure. . .good job correcting it!! thanks so much for commenting!!
Interesting read Laura!I'm not a stay at home mom, but I recognize the struggle that many have with perfectionism (people who are close to me). I appreciate you taking the time out of what seems to be a very busy day to write this. Blessings to you and the fam!
Interesting read Laura!Sorry Laura... wasn't logged in :O !Interesting read Laura!I'm not a stay at home mom, but I recognize the struggle that many have with perfectionism (people who are close to me). I appreciate you taking the time out of what seems to be a very busy day to write this. Blessings to you and the fam!
One thing for sure, you are good at what you are.
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