Reasons To Marry A Vampire (Mainly Edward From Twilight, But Any Will Do)
Posted: Wednesday, March 24, 2010
by Laura Trahan
The next installment in the Twilight series was released on DVD this past weekend. New Moon was a hit at the box office and people are lining up at the Redboxes to rent the movie.
The movie itself is just a transition movie. Everyone is waiting until June for the next installment Eclipse to hit the big screens. New Moon builds the anticipation for that next movie much like the book did.
No bodily functions
This part is what excites me the most. How many men in your life turn into little boys every night when the concept of bodily functions arise. Married to Edward, you would never hear one of those F_A_R_Ts let alone that obscene word.
There will be no television watching or cuddling in bed that ended with a loud noise, lots of bragging and endless laughing. Nope, not with a vampire. No eating definitely means no body functions.
Goodbye weight gain
Edward doesn't eat food. Edward would never show up with a bowl overflowing with ice cream to inform you that he made you some too at 10 at night. You would feel awkward pigging in front of him so chances are you would stop eating unless for survival so in essence it is a healthy move.
Endless income
Let's be honest. Money is not everything, but having money does make life smoother. Edward is filthy rich and willing to spend it endlessly on you in forever adoration. Who wouldn't want that?
Never have to worry about people hiding things
How awesome would it be to know what people really thought of you! Being married to a vampire who could read minds would put a whole new spin on your life. Tell me how you really feel? Really? Hmm, my husband says that you said this about me! That would be so awesome!
Hygiene
You never would have to worry about good hygiene with a vampire. No hair left in the sink after shaving, no weird things in the shower, no going without a shower for months on end. See that is the cool thing. Your bathroom would stay spotless and it would not be a disgrace to be in public ever because of how your husband was groomed!
As you can tell I am just getting started. I am sure you can think of a million advantageous to being married to Edward. Be sure to leave them in the comment section below.
Now if only Edward was real!!
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)I wouldn't be so confident of the "no gas" thing, Laura. With a diet of human blood, I'll bet those vampires could rip one off that would peel the paint right off your wall!Funny stuff!HA! Ken! You make me LOL and give me a whole new image in my head! Scary!
Great job. My girlfriend swoons (literally) over Edward, and yet I could never get into the Twilight series because I laugh every time I think of a 'vegetarian vampire'. Well done.It is pretty funny when you think of it Michael! The vegetarian thing has been the source of many jokes around here as well! Thanks for commenting!
This was a great article. Loved your sense of humor. Now I'll have to run the question by my granddaughter about the fart just to see her blush. .
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